Wednesday, March 14, 2007

It's not pretty!

I'm writing this letter to you! Yes you! My love! My best friend! My confidant! My rock!

I went to see a therapist last night who specializes in addiction medicine, specifically co-dependency. Seemed appropriate! I know you don't have a least that's your feelings on the matter. And I also know that your actions have no effect on me or've said that so it must be true! I guess I just need to get this off my shoulders...

You cut me to the bone this past weekend! Your actions weren't the actions of a responsible adult male. They were the actions of a child run amuck! To deliberately disappear during what you knew was one of the most stressful weekends of my life and THEN to blame me for it is the height of stupidity and selfishness! In fact it is downright juvenile!

When you walked out that door at 10:36 on Thursday evening, I should have known that your interactions with the junk would control your every move from then until you finally decided to sober up. I should have, but I held out hope. I was wrong!!! When you showed up at 7a to pick Paris up and take him to school, I impressed on you that importance of being back by 10a. You said..."yeah, the move!" When I talked to you at 10a, you said that you were stuck in traffic. I knew right then that was bullshit...but I went along with your act. That was in fact the last time I talked to you until Sat. evening. Even then, I didn't see you until Sunday night for 10 minutes. When I woke up on Monday morning and you were asleep in our bed, I didn't know whether to be angry or happy!

You are an ass for leaving the entire move, from start to finish up to me! And I feel like a complete idiot for not being able to leave you! WTF?! My friends have been amazing support! My family has been amazing! Did you know that my dad called and just talked on Sunday night. I broke down and told him the entire story! Instead of telling me how wrong I was for being in love with a guy, he told me that he knew it must be difficult to watch the person you love get lost to drugs!

I guess it comes back to the therapist. I'm seeing her again on Monday. She told me not to be rash, hasty or give ultimatums. I'm not! I do love you! But I tired of dealing with this shit! That's why I'm getting help!! I hope you do too!

I love you baby!



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