Wednesday, November 15, 2006

...when you are not near...

I sat upright in bed, my heart beating a million miles an hour. Through the sleep induced haze that covered my eyes, I read in bright red 3:04. Instinctively I reached over to put my arm around my love and once again realized that the bed was empty. Sadness enveloped me like a cold fog. I wanted tears to come but they would not. I cursed the night! I cursed my love! I cursed my solitude! But most of all I cursed crystal meth!

Wiping my eyes, I climbed out of bed and slowly strode down the hall to the front of the house. Empty! A soft sob escaped my lips as I stood looking out my picture window as the lights of the boats and ships in the harbor twinkled on the water. His car was gone. Damn!

The knot in my stomach continued to grow as I slowly turned and walked back down the hall, stopping just long enough to look in on the kid. I kissed him on the forehead as I pulled his covers up around him. His dog grunted at me and in the soft glow eminating from his Superman nightlight, I watched her look at me out of one eye before shifting around and going back to sleep.

I knew from previous experience that the sleep I so desperately needed to escape my reality would not return. I picked up my cell phone, said his name and listened as it rang and rang and rang eventually emptying me into his voicemail - the one I love - the one that plays my Stevie Wonder song. Our song! I wish Stevie would drop dead!

I can't stop the dread! I know all too well what the day holds. Soon the kid will be awake, wanting to watch cartoons a little too loud. The dog will want to be let out. And they'll both want some breakfast. Typical for a Sat. morning. But today isn't a typical Sat. My love is gone! Tweaking! I glance at the clock - 4:17.

I know they are coming...the questions. "Where's dad?" "When's dad gonna be home?" "He said we were gonna go rollerblading today!" I hate lying but what do you tell an 8 year old who idolizes his dad? "Well, your dad is out doing speed and God knows what else - who knows when we'll see him." I once again ruled out the truth for a lie. I hate lying!

5:28 - I again walked to the front room and look out the front window. The horizon was ever so gently starting to brighten. I cursed again, grabbed a cigarette, slipped out the door and onto the front porch. The sound of the waves crashing against the beach below was soothing. I relaxed a little. As I walked back into the house I breathed a prayer - "God, don't let me be too angry today!"

I climbed back into bed listening intently for the front door. Although for the life of my I'm not quite sure why. I know what will happen! He'll be in a great mood! And I'll react to that mood, forgetting that it's artificial and that the minute I say anything that will dampen that mood, no matter how slight, he will lose it. I use to think I liked rollercoasters. Now I just hate them!

Again I glance at the clock - 6:09. I've been thinking alot about the prophet in the scriptures who was married to a whore. He loved her and time and time again brought her back into his house. Sometimes I wish I didn't always connect scripture with every thing in my life! The kid's TV is on. DAMN!

I turn the TV on and hear the amazing voice of Macy Gray:

I try to say goodbye and I choke
I try to walk away and I stumble
Though I try to hide, it's clear
My world crumbles when you are not near

I feel the tears start to well up but I fight them. I can already hear the kid getting out of bed. I know he'll want to hop up and give me a big hug, watch a little TV. I can't let him see...

I hate meth! I know Monday that everything will be back to normal. My love with go back to being the greatest guy around not realizing that this morning, very early, my world crumbled just a little bit!



Blogger Peterson Toscano said...

jonathan, I mourn with you. I hate that this is your reality right now. so dreadful. you have my warmest thoughts and prayers. feel free to call if you just need a listening ear.

4:43 PM  

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